On money:

• It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
• I'd rather be rich than stupid.
• I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
• I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
• I hope that after I die, people will say of me: `That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
• If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.

On Interpersonal Relationships:

• A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
• Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
• He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.
• I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
• I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
• If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be.

On Children:

• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
• Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national forests.
• One day a child came up to me and asked if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he had asked me.
• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
• When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

On Clowns:

• I remember how, in college, I got this part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.
• Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form "spokes." Happiness is when he stops.
• Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
• To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
• Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?

On School:

• Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

On Work:

• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
• I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
• If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
• If you get a job as a judge at the Olympics, here's a good trick: If some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"

On Love:

• Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
• Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
• Love is not something you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
• Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?

On Beauty:

• Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
• People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with blonde hair.
• Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

On Books and Reading:

• I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
• Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

On Food:

• I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
• When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

On World Peace:

• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
• How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
• I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

On Mental Health:

• If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me "the Man" is behind this.
• I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
• I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something.
• If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better?

On Everything Else:

• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
• Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
• I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
• I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?
• Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?
• It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.
• If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
• You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.
• You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you?
• Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.